Sacrifice

That word makes me cringe!

Okay so since turning 30 I feel that I have been on this quest to be a better Beth. The small changes I have made in my life have helped me significantly already but I am still learning all the time.

Going off of my post yesterday, I've realized I need to make some sacrifices in order to get what I want out of my life. And the two most important things to me, the two things that I want and need, are to lose weight and get out of debt.

I have been struggling with these two for years. I know that neither will happen overnight and I also know that I have to work hard for both. It took me a while to realize that last sentence. I have been a lazy, lazy sailor. Laziness has lead me down the path of chubbiness. Laziness has lead me down the path of non-motivation. And I have, for years, been waiting for someone to take care of these problems for me...doesn't anyone have a quick fix?

No, the answer is no. The answer is, do it your GOT damn self! And as much as I hate that (because I love to be lazy), I refuse to sit back and let life happen around me. One of my favorite bands, John Butler Trio, says it perfectly in Good Excuse, "Go take a step outside see what's shaking in the real world." I was only taking steps toward the fridge and TV.

I have realized that I am not doing ALL I can to better myself. Specifically, I am not doing all I can to help achieve my two goals. I was trying, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't trying enough. And the lazy person in me was sitting back saying, "You haven't bought yourself anything in SO long! You haven't fucked up with money in SO long! You have been eating pretty good for a couple weeks now!" And I remained satisfied with that.

NO MORE! It's not enough. I am adding another shift into my Chili's rotation so I will work 4 shifts per week. The only way I will NOT work 4 shifts a week is if Matt and I have tickets to a concert or an event. No more giving away my shifts because I don't feel like working or to see friends. So now I will be working Monday nights, Tuesday nights, Friday nights, and Saturday lunches. I was going to add Wednesday nights too but honestly, that will break me. I can't work 45 hours a week at the full time job and then work 5 days a week at Chili's. It's unrealistic.

This will help me with my debt, obviously, but it will also help with my weight. There are many a night that I go home and get lazy, shmoke a little prize and then sit. And then eat. Oh the munchies!! Curses! It's my own fault so in order to combat that, I need to be busy. Chili's keeps me busy. Being out of the house, period, keeps me busy.

I have also canceled future lunches with my girls here at work. I can't afford to go out to eat 2-3, sometimes 4 times a week. My wallet can't afford it nor can my hips. I will be working out in the little gym we have here on Tuesdays and Thursdays, during my lunch hour.

Hopefully, with these changes, I can be a better Beth. :)

VIVA CC!!!

What does CC stand for? Cancel Christmas! I do NOT want to celebrate this year.

I am normally all about the holidays. I really do enjoy seeing family I don't get to see very often and I adore making people happy with the gifts I buy them but guess what? I don't want any of it this year. I have no money to spare and I hate that and it is eating away at me.

I don't want to buy presents for anyone this year because I have so many bills to pay its ridiculous. There's the every day bills that I deal with once a month but let's now throw in a ton of dental bills, the speeding ticket from last week, and the bunion surgery I'm supposed to prepare for for next year.

Christmas isn't just Christmas all by itself either. My sister Laura's birthday is December 9, Matt's birthday is January 4, and my baby sister Mary's birthday is January 10. I'm gonna puke. I can't handle all of this!

So I have four family members, two friends I buy for, my ho's (thank GOD we do an exchange because as much as I want to, if I had to buy for each of them individually, mama would be in trouble), and Matt. And I refuse to spend a penny on Matt's family. That's on him. He has to do it alone because I simply can't. I refuse to buy for his worthless brothers and I'm not a big fan of his mom so that leaves his dad, step-mom and step-dad with and sorry, but you people are stuck with Matt shopping for you too.

And I say stuck because Matt, as most of you know, is Mr. Last Minute. I can't deal with that. I can't celebrate like that. I will not pick out gifts the day before we go see someone. It shows, in my opinion. So Matt can shop for them and I'm sorry.

It really sucks that I have to equate money with how I feel about the holidays. Why can't I just enjoy them and "deal" with the lack in funds? Probably because I know that if I were to EVER say to my family or anyone else, "This year, can we just be with each other so we can both save money?" I would be talked about behind my back and then everything I bought, from there to the next holiday, would be scrutinized and picked apart.

No thanks.

So I'd like to cancel Christmas please. :) Viva CC!

Are you for real?

Seriously, if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Yesterday the following happened:

I was trying to pick up a half full paper box and it slid out of my hand and gave me a huge cardboard paper cut right across two of my fingers.

My temporary tooth, that has fallen out or broken at least 4 different times, broke again and now I have a lovely, gaping hole in my mouth.

I got pulled over for speeding on the way to meeting up with Matt to go downtown for date night. Not only did the cop bust my balls about my car being dirty ("What color is this thing? Black? Blue?" and I said dark green and he laughs and says "Oh!") but as he's walking away he says, "Your bumper sticker says you brake for animals. If you don't slow down you won't be able to brake for anything!" Hardee-fucking-har.

At dinner, a tooth on the other side of my mouth, lost its filling or crown or something because while biting into my steak, I thought I was crunching on some of the bullet they used to kill the cow.

And did I mention that three of my nails broke? Sorry but this is quite tragic seeing as how I pay more than I should for these suckers and the gel that's over them is supposed to be like concrete so how do THREE break in a matter of days?

What's next? A broken bone? Severe burns to my face?

Okay, that's a little dramatic. But I'd like a break please. :)

Television

Matt and I got in a fight yesterday and no worries, everything is perfectly fine but the topic we fought about is eating at me and I want to see if I can see it from his point of view.

Matt thinks I watch too much TV. He gets very upset when he sees the DVR filled with too many of "my shows." He gets even more upset when I take on new shows. The reason he gets mad is he says that there are so many other things I could be doing with my time. He brought up the phrase "couch potato" and I could have punched him. He says that our house needs more attention and I give too much attention to my shows.

My argument back is that TV is my escape from reality. I work two jobs and this is how I unwind. I don't watch my shows when he is around so I'm not bothering him. He should help with the house too and I don't give him shit for all the magazines he's constantly reading. And most of the shows on the DVR are shows that we watch together, hardly any are "my shows."

My mother was a chores nazi when I was growing up so every time Matt tries to push me into doing more around the house, I fight it. I cannot STAND being controlled and I really lost it yesterday when he started giving me shit for watching a new show. What does it matter? If I find enjoyment in it and our house looks decent, what the fuck? I totally admit that my house could be cleaner but you know what? I fucking hate cleaning. Yes I take pride in my home and yes I like how it looks after I have cleaned but do I want to be that woman who spends 4 hours every Saturday morning doing this major cleaning like my mother did when I was little?

The answer is no. I have two jobs that have me exhausted every weekend, I have a social life that has me all over the place (and I'm not even talking about the stuff I do with my girlfriends, I'm talking about all the shit Matt and I cram into our time), and frankly, I'm getting old. Okay, maybe it's too early to play that card but seriously, I don't want to take hours to clean my damn house.

I want a cleaning lady. I want someone to come in and make my place look as great as it deserves to be. I seriously can't keep up with all the day-to-day bull shit that needs to be done there. The bathrooms, the garbage, the floors, the vacuuming, the dishes, the dusting...Jesus Christ! The list is endless. I'd rather pay someone to come in every two weeks and do this shit for me.

And no, it's not so I can watch more TV, okay well maybe a little bit, but seriously, even if I didn't watch TV, my house still wouldn't be that clean because I HATE CLEANING!!!!

10 Things You Don't Know about Matt

I'm taking a page from my ho Cece and writing about ten things you might not know about my honey. :)

1. He has two half brothers from his mother's 2nd husband.

2. He has had grey hair since he was 10, including a patch of grey that he claims is from a spider bite.

3. He's allergic to apple skin (his throat starts to close up).

4. He once worked on a fishing boat in Alaska (like those Most Dangerous Job shows).

5. He's got a gay uncle who's loaded and whom I'm pissed at right now. lol

6. He's a mush for our cats and any other animal (just like me!).

7. He has no tattoos and no piercings.

8. He has to be tickled in order to smile right for a posed picture.

9. He was on the exact same boat in downtown Chicago on the exact same night I was in 1994 for our proms, but of course, we never knew it.

10. He's got the best ass I've ever seen. LOL! I know my male readers looooved that. :)

I couldn't stay away!

You guys, I feel incredible today! This move has made a big difference in my working environment and I am so happy!!! I have my own cube, its new (I love new stuff), I have a window to look out of, I have lots of privacy and a bigger desk so I have room for everything! I LOVE IT!

I have been a major bitch to deal with here and I apologized to some of my key friends here because I know I probably projected on them and they were great. :) I just feel so relieved and happy and UP and just yeah! :)

I hope everyone is having a great week!

MIA

Hi friends!

I'm going to missing the rest of this week because my department is moving internally and I'm the move coordinator (read, move ho).

I hope you all have a fantastic week and I expect when I return, life will be grand because I will no longer be sitting next to Re-re! :)

xoxoxoxo
Beth

Life Changing!

I'm not sure how many people I know can say they have had a life changing experience but I have had one so I thought I would share it with you.

The year 2004 was a real bad one for this ho. My relationship problems with Matt had come to a head and in May he and I moved apart. I had miscarried the baby that was never supposed to be. I had lost my job of the past 7 years. And I was at my all-time heaviest weight of 293 lbs; and truly feeling the physical effects from it.

I was in a low place. I still felt Matt was the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with but I knew that until I got my shit together, I wouldn't be the partner I wanted to be or that he wanted. I was eating out of comfort and out of spite and it was tearing us apart. The heavier I got, the more insecure I got and the more insecure I got, the more I projected that onto Matt and you can imagine how it went from there. I didn't want to go anywhere or do anything because I was humiliated by what I looked like.

For months my feet had been swelling...so much so that some shoes wouldn't fit. I remember taking pictures of my feet and being in awe of what they looked like. I knew it had to do with my weight but honestly, it didn't concern me enough to see a doctor. I had started exercising at home and was attempting to eat better and I felt that would help take care of the issue.

One morning in September I woke up with a shooting pain in one of my legs. It worried me enough to take myself to the emergency room. They did an ultrasound on my leg, actually on both legs, and found nothing (they were looking for blood clots). Sent me home. A month later, I experience the same kind of pain and while at my doctor, they told me to go to the hospital because they think I have a blood clot. My mom picked me up and took me back to the hospital I was at just a month ago and still nothing. Nothing showed up in the ultrasound.

The pain subsided and I continued to work out a little more, I think I lost about 10 lbs. in a few months (which is never quick enough for me). I decided to try out for The Biggest Loser and left work early on December 8, 2004 to go downtown. I stood in a line, outside, in 20 degree weather for 8 hours, only to get the front of the line, the very next one in line, and be told they weren't letting anymore people in. Devastated. I still think I would be perfect on that show and would have loved to give it a try.

The next day I had a podiatrist appointment and ironically, when I went in, I wasn't able to put a shoe on my left foot because the pain was so intense. I remember being at work and not being able to walk from my desk to my boss' office without being totally winded and my heart racing. And as I thought of that, I remembered that doing little things at home was having the same affect. I would flip over in bed in the middle of the night and would be totally out of breath. Putting on clothes was exhausting. I thought the reason my heart was racing like this was because I drank a lot of Diet Mt. Dew and surely the caffeine was accelerating my heart.

I called my dad and asked his advice since he has heart problems. He said not to fuck around and get to the doctor. :) Spoken like a true K.... I almost said my last name! LOL!

Anyway, I went to the podiatrist and not only was my foot hurting but behind my left knee was also untouchable. I knew it was something serious when my doctor brought in two other doctors to confirm his beliefs. I was told, once again, to get to the emergency room ASAP. I literally huffed in their faces because I had been through this shit, twice! But the pain was intense enough that I figured they'd find SOMETHING and at least give a sister some pain meds.

Anyone ever had a CAT scan done? I had one done on almost my entire body. Very strange process. They inject you with something that literally makes you feel like you are peeing yourself. And you have to hold your breath a lot. I was in the emergency room for hours, got to know the nurses very well. I will never forget the look on my mother's face when the doctor came back and said that I had blood clots in my lungs. Not one blood clot (which is more common than you think) but multiple blood clots in both lungs. And then, right in front of my poor mother, he said I could have died. He said if I had waited another day, I could have died. Get the crash cart for Sharon because she almost went down!

I was in the hospital for four days. I was catheterized because I wasn't allowed to move for any reason at all for fear of jostling the blood clots. If one moved, it could travel to my heart or brain and kill me with an aneurysm. Catheters are torture...omg, I was begging them to take it out. Even more fun, I started my period immediately in the hospital because I was taken off of birth control pills right away. Oh yeah, the cause of the blood clots? Birth control pills and smoking.

So I was on blood thinners for a year, can't take any form of birth control with estrogen in it, and had to go to the hematologist every week for months...but I lived. The emergency room doctor wasn't the only one who said I could have died. You know how when you are in the hospital for more than a day and the rotation of nurses and doctors seems to change every hour? Just about every person I saw during those 4 days told me I was extremely close to dying.

It didn't hit me for a while what all of this meant. I didn't have an epiphany or anything but I slowly realized and started to appreciate my life more. I started to realize how I have been abusing my body with food and lack of exercise. I started to change. Since then I've lost 60 lbs. and have been able to keep it off. I'm currently trying to lose the rest of the weight I have and while it's always a slow process, I think back to 2004 and that alone keeps me from going back to the way I once was. The blood clots saved my life.

Monday Meh

I'm not really meh today but I felt like saying it. :)

This weekend was pretty good, felt nice and long (and that's how mama likes it! hee hee). Friday night I worked at Chili's and it was pretty slow (got stiffed, hooray) and went home to poor Honey and his swollen arm. It's not broken, but he has a deep contusion (fancy word for bruise) but even this morning, that arm is still swollen. He goes back on Thursday for a re-check and a physical so I'm sure they'll learn more.

Saturday I was at Chili's at 6am (as promised) and naturally, I was the only one there until about 8:30am. I got almost every shift I wanted. Instead of working a double on the 21st like I wanted (the lunch shift was full), I have to work lunch on New Year's Eve. Not too bad. I still think it is so lame we had to sign up for 7 GOT damn shifts. Whatever, moving on!

Saturday night we just hung out at home, watched TV and chilled. Sunday we went for a walk, watched some football with his mom and step-dad, and watched Blood Diamond. Has anyone seen this movie? Aye. Sad but real good. Leonardo Dicaprio is so grown up and still a cutie. Such a good actor.

We followed up our night with an attempt at sex while he has this hurt arm. I gotta say that I truly miss being on the pill. I am so sick of using condoms and this is what always happens: we're doing it, its great, I start to have my "o" and he basically throws me off of him because he almost does too and doesn't have the condom on yet. And last night was no different and I complained and he said, "What's the problem? I thought you got off?" Um, no Larry, I was right in the MIDDLE of it and you made me stop!! AYE! All I have to say about that is he's lucky I am the proud owner of battery-operated items that won't quit in the middle of my orgasm. LOL I know, I sound awful and its partly my fault that I don't make him put the condom on right when we start but you just don't know how often this happens! LOL!

I'm going to be in and out of here all week because we're moving within the office so...see/talk/write soon guys! :) xoxoxox

So happy the weekend is here!

Seriously, the planets aligned this week to make it a hugely busy week and coupled it with PMS. It's been rough but I'm celebrating the fact that it's over. Almost.

So last night, actually yesterday afternoon, I had had it with this place (job #1) and left early. I went home and napped with the kitties for a couple hours and finally Matt came home. He had been out bike riding with his buddy Zack and they were gone for a while. Matt walks in, holding his arm, and grimacing. Oh boy. Apparantly he fell off his mountain bike. While standing. LMAO! I'm sorry but I have to laugh. He bought these special shoes and these special clips to clip his shoes to the pedals of his bike (isn't that for Tour de France type racing? mountain biking?) and he had been getting not gay and forgot he clipped into one of the pedals; went to turn around to talk to Zack and fell. LARRY!!!!!!

He fell on hand/wrist and his elbow area is what hurts. He said he feels like it's majorly bruised. The worst part...he fell 2 minutes after they got there and then rode around, injured, for over 2 hours. So he didn't start icing his elbow until he got home. Well he woke up this morning and said it doesn't feel any better so he's calling the doctor. He also said he can get himself to the doctor. I can't wait to hear how he's going to drive stick shift since it is his right arm. He can't straighten it all the way and it hurts to the touch and was definitely swollen last night.

So that was our night. I went to bed early because I'm just beat this week plus I have to work the two jobs tonight and then be up SUPER early to be back at Chili's tomorrow morning. Yeah get this, the managers are not scheduling anyone for the holiday season, they are forcing us to choose what we want to work. And the choosing process is really jacked up.

Basically the top 8 servers that have been there the longest get first crack at the list. There are a list of 7 dates and yesterday, these top 8 people had to sign up for 5 shifts each. Tomorrow morning at 9am, the managers will open the doors to the rest of us non-top 8ers and we have pick 7 shifts to work.

Why is this jacked up? Because if I don't get to Chili's SUPER early tomorrow, I risk having to work days/nights I don't want to. All of the dates that we are being forced to choose from are all dates I have off from my other job. So I'm going to work some doubles and even Christmas Eve to NOT have to work at all on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day. Gay.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great weekend!! xoxoxoox

Final Destination

Matt and I were supposed to see Saw IV last night (yes, he's one of those people that loves to see creepy movies on Halloween) but he ended up working late so we watched Final Destination.

I had heard of these movies (aren't there like four of them?) but always assumed it was one of those movies where there's some bad guy...like Mike Myers or Freddie or that needle face guy (who thinks up this stuff?) but not true with FD. I'd like to put it out here right now that I'm a scairdy cat and scary movies (even low grade ones) do scare me. I've been known to squeeze hands too hard and hide behind my fingers when something bad is about to happen.

So this movie, for those that haven't seen it, is about this group of teenagers about to go on a trip to Paris. One of the kids, while waiting in the plane while it taxied, has a dream/vision about the plane exploding right after take off. He makes a big scene and is taken off the plane, along with about 6 others. Plane explodes...everyone dramatically looks at crazy vision teen.

The kid goes on to discover that death has a pre-set pattern and if he can constantly break that pattern, he can cheat it. I'll admit to you that this movie was scary to me (scary to Beth = me jumping at any point because something shocked/surprised me and/or bloody stuff) and I hid behind my fingers a lot and Matt moved to the other couch because he I put marks on his arm. :)

Like most movies, this one got me thinking...do we all really have a pre-set time and way to go? Do the littlest of things change all that? What do you believe?